Unlocking My Spirit

Freedom is knowing what you want from life, and not caring what others think as long as you don't hurt their feelings purposely. I am a very compassionate person, and this has been the imprisonment of my spirit since my life began. The metallic bars of my prison were the decisions I based on making others happy, whether it would make me happy or not. The concrete foundation of my prison was love. I feel too deeply for those I care about, without regard to my own needs a lot of times. Lately, I have been changing that imbalance.

Balance is the delicate thread of life. Having everything you want doesn't have anymore power to make you happy than having nothing at all. What makes you happy or unhappy is your mental image of yourself, and by extension, those around you. This is how it is possible for a very poor person to wear a smile and show politeness, while a very rich person can be very bitter, rude, and unfulfilled.

I have seen from my life how this applies to passionate people and free spirits. I have always been very passionate. Everything in my mind was black or white. Good or bad. Love or hate. This translates into my activities as well. I am either really great at something, or I can't do it at all. I realize I changed the tense of my words in the last two sentences. It bothers me, too, but it's true. I am in the middle of a transformation, so naturally, somethings are now past, somethings are in progress, and somethings are still yet to be accomplished. Perhaps even more things are yet to be realized.

One thing I know for sure about life: you never stop learning unless you don't care and have your eyes, ears, and mind closed. Life is all about learning, exploring, experiencing, and solving puzzles. It is an endless adventure with hidden keys that unlock huge gates with mysterious pathways.

The key that I recently found, was perception. Learning to balance my thoughts. If I don't like how things look from one side, try looking at it from the other side. If the standard view doesn't seem right, flip it upside down. Challenge your thoughts if you don't like them. I have been going to therapy for about a month now, and this has been a great help so far. I deal with various forms of anxiety, and that triggers depression, which brings out obsessive compulsive behaviors. Excessive cleaning, organizing, and tidiness.

Sometimes we are too quick to put a negative connotation on situations that don't seem to be going the way that we want them to go. I may have just quoted my therapist :) . It's true, though. I've learned that taking time to weigh evidence for and against your negative thoughts can be very helpful in gaining a new perspective.

Unloved, Unfulfilled, Undead

I have spent my entire life trying to figure out how to fit in somewhere. Anywhere.

What it takes to be truly loved by someone. Anyone.
My "family" was the first place I learned that nothing I do is right, and trying to convey my feelings about anything is only going to backfire on me. I'm not allowed to have feelings without them getting thrown in my face and turned on me as a weapon. I can't say anything because anything I say, can and WILL be used against me at every remote chance at any given moment 'til the end of time.

There isn't a single person on the face of the planet that I can truly trust. I guess I was born solely for the sadistic amusement of everyone else. To walk through this life in this soulless body with only half a heart and no hope that things will ever get any better.

In case you are wondering: no, I don't have any faith. That was torn away from me when I realized that religious people are the worst hypocrites of all. They live to tear you down and scrutinize your every choice in life. Yet when you realize the things they do behind closed doors, or when no one is looking, they are worse than you and that is why they are so quick to call you out for any little thing.

So here's what I have to say to everybody who has ever been in my life so far: To hell with you! You don't make an effort to notice the good things about me! All you notice is the perceived flaws I have! The mistakes I make! I hate everyone! I hope your life becomes as miserable as you make me feel!

Talking = Negative

I am not a fan of talking. I try to create open communication in relationships, and it all comes to nothing. Or worse. We talk and suddenly the conversation brings up something negative and it's all down hill from there. I was talking with a family member, and the conversation itself actually went well, but some of the subject matter dug up a ton of negative energy from many aspects of my life. My thoughts and emotions are what follows:

I am tired of being the strong one. I need someone to be strong for me for once. I despise having to always be the reliable one. I resent having to be the one who knows what to do next or nothing will happen at all. I can't always be the one with a plan of action. I am sick of being expected to accept other people's faults and weaknesses, and always being told that I am the one who needs to change. I have to fix the problem. That is what made me decide a long time ago that the best way to fix a problem is to leave. If I am the fucking problem, I will just leave and there will be no problem. Lot of fucking good that does when the same people who make me feel useless and wretched are the ones who keep trying to resurface in my life. I regret being the one who is so willing to help others in anyway I can. Those same people always say that if I ever need them they will be there, but when it comes time to be there, they either aren't, or they make it known it is at great inconvenience and begrudgingly that they do it. I am sick of being invisible unless someone needs something from me. Even when I am asked my opinion or advice, most people don't even listen. Then someone else will say the same thing I just said and they get the credit. What the hell did I do to deserve being treated this way all through life? It's no wonder that I have always felt like the world would be better off without me!

It doesn't matter. It will never change. Thanks for reading my troublesome thoughts. Goodnight.

Realitization

Sometimes when you're in pain, it's easy to lie to yourself, without even realizing it. Which makes it nothing to lie to the person you love, when you think they don't share the same depth of feeling that you have. Those lies are what convince you that you may have never been in love, in an attempt at protecting your heart from the death that heartbreak can bring.

Revenge

Note: This is unfinished. I will post the rest when I write it.


She was a broken down fallen angel
Holding just a glimmer of light
Her gentle eyes were stained with permanent tears
And her hopes were quickly fading into sorrow

All the pain building up like a storm in the sky
All the rain comes pouring down like tears on this terrible night

Her heart is broken
Her wounds are open
Nothing in this world is gonna save your life now
Her faith is shaken
Her soul was taken
With nothing left to lose
She will take her revenge out

The lightning flashes down
Piercing the sand
The storm that's raging in her heart
Just getting started
The thunder rumbling out of control
You pray that god forgives your sins
Cause you know she won't anymore

Over It

There comes a point when all creativity is lost. I have felt the same feelings (or lack there of) for so long, that it really does no good to try and express them. At the end of the day, pain is normal. A numb heart is all I've known. A vague resemblance to a living girl is all I have ever been. I can't pretend anymore. I can't masquerade as a living being any longer. I am empty and lifeless. Incapable of maintaining any kind of human connections. I wish people would stop trying to "fix" me. It isn't possible. If it was, I wouldn't be this way. Just let me exist, and stop trying to lift my hopes only to throw me down again. I'm not a fucking doll.

Confessions of a Gothic Heart

I awoke this morning with a country song stuck in my head: The Heart Won't Lie by Reba McEntire. (Don't ask how a Goth girl knows that.) I can not pretend I don't know why. There has also been someone on my mind. An ex who is still a friend. We have this habit of giving each other advice, which started before we dated. It's nice to have a sounding board and comforting shoulder. Just thinking out loud . . . . .