So I haven't been in a writing mood lately. Life has been getting busier, which means more interactions with live human beings, and more ventures outside of the house. Not really my favorite thing, but I really want a job, so I have to deal with it. I was doing all too well dealing with my anxiety during the first half of therapy, and now I am paying for it. The stress has been slowly building to a steamy simmer and hit the boiling point this weekend. I've been putting on a smile and keeping a relatively composed appearance on the exterior, while inside there has been a lot of screaming, tears, and panic.
I may have failed to mention before that I am in therapy. Sorry about that. This is something I decided would be beneficial and necessary in the pursuit of finding a job, and hopefully, keeping it for a normal period of time. I'm not even sure what that means, but I do know that I have trouble holding down a job. Anxiety inevitably strikes, igniting stress and depression, and then I turn into a completely different person. One who would rather hide from everything and everyone and not deal with anything at all.
I have a fear of failure and rejection, so I quit jobs, rather than staying until things escalate and then I get fired. Now, I realize that functioning humans would figure out a way to address the issues and resolve them, thus staying employed at the job they enjoy overall. Unfortunately, I do not have the mental clarity to do that when I am feeling emotionally drained. My mind turns into a distorted mirror of everything and everyone in my life at that time. I will either over-think everything, or not think it through at all.
Okay, venting done. :) Thanks for reading.
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