Pregnant Goth Update

I am now about 22 weeks along (about 5 months) and people can finally tell I am pregnant by looking at me. I am a petite woman and as much as I could tell, it was hard for others to really tell until the last few weeks. Mostly other women. They kept saying I was so tiny still, barely showing. Compared to the rock-hard abs I am used to, it was quite noticeable to me and my boyfriend. Other guys noticed before the women I know did, lol. I guess women compare pregnant women's bodies to their bodies when they were pregnant. Men notice right away when a woman's physique changes. I will post a picture in another entry. If I can figure out how to transfer the pictures on my phone, I will post a before and after. I am technically challenged, so we will see.

The baby is pretty active as of the last month. I started feeling movement a little before most people do. I am more in tune to what is happening in my body in general, so it doesn't surprise me. It's really cool and very strange to feel a little life moving in my belly. I find out on Thursday if it's a boy or girl. Whichever it is, my little one responds to my voice already. And to her father's presence when we cuddle. It's amazing. Weird. I said she. Before this month, I kept saying "he" when I accidentally applied a pronoun. I have been pretty sure it's a boy, but the way I am carrying now looks more like a girl. If any women read this, I am pretty sure they will understand what I mean.

That is all I have to share for now. Thank you for reading :)

Same Dark Soul, New Nurturing Mind

Hello blogger land! I haven't had anything to write about for quite some time now. Life was simply taking it's course, and I think a break from writing was good for me. You will find that my mindset is quite different now. I am in a relationship that is going well so far, and seems to be serious. In fact, I am expecting a baby. Strange concept for me. Exciting, though. I am 17 weeks along and feeling much more alive than I did in the first trimester. I was sick a lot. Not nearly as sick as other women in my family got during pregnancy, though. So I am thankful for that. The sick I felt was bad enough. And I worked through most of it. I only called in to work a few times, though I felt like calling in every day.

It's very profound what being pregnant does to a dark soul. I live for this tiny being growing inside of me. To protect it at all costs. The only thing that matters as much to me is the love between me and my boyfriend, and preserving it. The tigress in me comes out stronger than ever when it comes to my new little family. I have gone from hating everyone and everything, to having an inextinguishable love for the few I hold dear to my heart. My life revolves around being everything they need, and they are everything I need.

Long Lost Me

Hello everyone! I thought I should let you know I am still alive, and doing pretty well. Thus the reason I have not been writing. I can't write about things that I want to keep in my life. Things that are going well. Plus, my best writing is my darkest, lol. Sadly, that means I may not write much in this blog ever again. It's good, just sad that I won't be writing. New chapters are typically bitter-sweet to begin with. Maybe someday I will figure out how to write about the good stuff without it disappearing.

XOXOX,
Lexi

In Search of a Key

In my observation and experience, writers derive inspiration from someplace personal to them, and have their own unique reasons for writing. I have two different, and very basic reasons I decide to write something. The first is to banish all the hate that floods my mind and heart when something in life thrusts me into a dark place  The second is to document a good feeling before it vanishes.

If you notice, my primary reason for writing is to banish my current thought processes. Lay them to rest. When I did all of my writing with paper and ink, I burned most things I wrote. This is a very cleansing process. Freeing my mind of clutter, and my heart of poison.

Subconsciously, I have always been aware that any personal writing I do is a cleansing process. It just never fully occurred to me that something needs to change when writing about things I want to keep in my life. Specifically, relationships I want to stay in my life. So for now, no more writing about my personal life. I need to find the key to writing about feelings I want to keep, rather than banish.

Impressive!

Wow, thanks guys! 1025 page views! I don't know who is reading because you all are so quiet, but I appreciate you stopping by!

XOXO,
Lexi Adams

I Know My Heart

There are times in life that you meet someone who should technically be right for you, but your heart doesn't feel the passion it needs to fall in love. If I feel like a connection is unequally felt on my side or the other side, I won't pursue a relationship. It just isn't fair in anyway. I have been the one to have deeper feelings, and I have other times been the one who just wasn't in it wholeheartedly. As soon as I realize it, I try to work on it first, then I call it quits. You can't make your heart bleed if it doesn't want to.

When I love someone, I will do anything in my power to be with them. I expect the same from them, in return. If I start noticing that I don't feel the way I should about someone in view of where the relationship is moving (whether it be forward or backward), I say something. Typically, there is some defensive feedback, but I feel it is better to be honest and look at things realistically. There isn't always a way to fix a relationship, even if you want to. You can't change how you feel just because you don't want to hurt someone you care for. If your feelings don't match theirs, it is best to end it.

I want to find a love that is strong and mutual. My heart needs to burn for that person, and know that their heart burns for me, as well. Love is not complacent, and will not settle. It is made up of desire, passion, devotion, affection, and understanding. If any one of these components is missing, it isn't love you are feeling. There is a difference in longing for companionship, and longing for the one you love. Longing for companionship can make you think you love someone simply because you are no longer alone. Sooner or later it becomes apparent that it is not the person you long for, but the companionship. Longing for the one you love drives you absolutely insane until you are reunited with them. This is why long distance relationships never last long. You can either remedy the problem by moving to be together, or you can end the relationship.

They say love makes you blind. That can be true, but loneliness makes you even more blind. When your main goal in life is to find your soulmate, it can make your heart desperate. I have learned this lesson the hard way. I am not good at being alone, and I have made some questionable choices because of it.

I know my heart, and what it wants. I won't settle until I find it, and it feels like magic.

Things Are Looking Up!!!

Guess what!?!?! I have a job! I start Monday, full time, as part of the QA team at a cabinetry place! I am beyond excited! A bit overwhelmed going directly into full time, but it's the perfect job for me, so I couldn't say no!