Losing . . . New Year's . . . . . Mornings

I find myself losing my sense of loyalty. If someone isn't showing that I am as important to them, as they are to me, I simply stop caring. If they don't find it important enough to tell me plans have changed, or even for sure if there are plans or not, why should I find it important to tell them, "This isn't working for me." ? They will figure it out on their own eventually, right? That's what they seem to expect of me, so why not?

I hardly ever see this person anyway. They are always gone doing something. We've know each other for a few months now and can still count the number of times we've seen each other on one hand. The first 3 times were right in a row and that was when we first met and were just friends. The third day it turned into a little more. The 1 time after that, it turned into friends with benefits and we had tentative New Year's Eve plans. Plans which were never confirmed nor denied, so I made other tentative plans. This person did call on New Years Eve, but I was in the shower and they didn't leave a voice mail. I returned the call anyway. No answer. About an hour later, I sent a text trying to find out what the call was about. I believe it was an hour after that when they texted back. No mention of the tentative plans. They just wanted to know what I was doing.

Unfortunately, the other tentative plans didn't happen either. I wasn't feeling well by then, so I was okay watching Enchanted at home. I had already started deciding the friend with benefits wasn't going to work much longer. We were supposed to see each other soon after the last time we saw each other, but some family stuff came up. (Grandparents/Parents kind of stuff. I'm not "the other woman", sheesh!) I might have never known, had I not texted him to find out if we were still going see each other.

I don't want to be someone's afterthought. Just something fun to think about when they aren't busy living life. I want someone who wants me to be part of their life. From the first cup of coffee in the morning, to the last kiss just before we fall asleep in each other's arms at night. Not that I want to spend every single moment of everyday together. Aside from work hours, it's good to have some time with friends or to one's self sometimes. I just want someone I am happy to wake up with in the morning. Someone who is equally happy to wake up with me.

Randomly Me

A mystery with clues that no one gets
A puzzle with jagged pieces that don't seem to fit
My brain is outside the box, yet my heart stays in it
Unable to face the world without falling apart
Incapable of a full range of emotions
An icy heart may burn with passion
But what's left is a puddle of water
Worse yet, is when a passionate heart freezes
It shatters into millions of tiny pieces
Becoming a question with too many answers
Why are people so complicated and unfathomable?
How are the things that seem so simple in my head
So completely unattainable and twisted instead?
I feel like I speak plain English
Yet from the confused reactions I get
You would think I speak in algebraic expressions
Am I some sort of alien in human female form?

New Year

As a new year begins, new hope is born
Hope of resembling a little closer, the person you strive to become
Hope of discovering the person you are meant to be with
Hope of fixing the things you dislike in your life
While holding close the things you treasure most
Happy New Year everyone!
May your hopes become your reality in this new year!

Love is Spelled: P O I S O N

Love. The ever fatal illusion that drives us to insanity.

The myth that we fight so hard to make a reality.

The poison fruit we are so eager to die from.

After it blurs our vision and makes us sound dumb.

Love is the cruel curse that Cupid shoots straight through your heart.

The poison arrow stuck there for every one but you to see.

Made of enchanted wood you can't just break apart.

Backward Society

What kind of madness turns children into targets?
Drives a son to kill his nurturing mother?
A giving being who was also a teacher?

What kind of biological glitch tells a child to shoot up their school?
Or even just threaten to take out their fellow students?
Has respect been scrubbed from the hard drive?

What is the sense of blaming guns?
The people holding the guns are the issue!
Certain types of people should be banned from weapons!
Rather than obliterating the "Right to bear arms"
The right to protect our families from harm.

Through Undead Eyes

Broken spirit
Shattered mind
Bleeding heart frozen in time
Dried up tears behind jaded eyes
Incapable of normal human interaction
Any trace of the little girl who had a glimmer of hope
Was long ago erased
Death came for her so early in life
Leaving behind the broken pieces of an undead eleven year old
Creating the illusion of a normal teen in the years to come
Was quite a challenge
She gave up trying at the age of fifteen
Deciding to embrace her darkness
The living around her reacted in harsh criticism
Not even trying to understand her transformation to her true form
She couldn't afford to care
This is who she really is
Masquerading as a living adult
Proves to be impossible for long periods of time
I have a unique prospective as an outsider to the living
The bigger picture is much clearer to me
While the details of human reasoning elude me
They aren't very logical creatures
Common sense and fellow feeling are rarely found among them
Though I have no soul, I can feel the energy around me
So cold, so hateful, so cruel and spiteful
This has to be the loneliest place in the universe
Very little trust
Betrayal and deceit so common it might as well be air
How are these people not suffocating
Drowning in the sorrow they create
How do they survive on so little good
This is something I will never understand
Holding hands with Death is more comforting than
Forming a relationship with the living

I Want To Feel

I want a love that feels like a storm raging in my soul
My heart should feel like a bolt of lightning electrifying every vein
My blood should be set aflame with pure emotion

Melt the ice in my blood
Break through the titanium cage around my heart

Revive the passion that once lived in my soul
Find the spark of hope that is lost and wondering around in the dark
Compel me to see you as my everything that is magical in my life

Somewhere locked away in this fortress I've built around myself
Is the kind, loving, and passionate woman I used to be
Barely hanging on to her last breath
Waiting to either die alone or be brought to life again