Hello everyone! I thought I should let you know I am still alive, and doing pretty well. Thus the reason I have not been writing. I can't write about things that I want to keep in my life. Things that are going well. Plus, my best writing is my darkest, lol. Sadly, that means I may not write much in this blog ever again. It's good, just sad that I won't be writing. New chapters are typically bitter-sweet to begin with. Maybe someday I will figure out how to write about the good stuff without it disappearing.
XOXOX,
Lexi
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Monday, August 26, 2013
In Search of a Key
In my observation and experience, writers derive inspiration from someplace personal to them, and have their own unique reasons for writing. I have two different, and very basic reasons I decide to write something. The first is to banish all the hate that floods my mind and heart when something in life thrusts me into a dark place The second is to document a good feeling before it vanishes.
If you notice, my primary reason for writing is to banish my current thought processes. Lay them to rest. When I did all of my writing with paper and ink, I burned most things I wrote. This is a very cleansing process. Freeing my mind of clutter, and my heart of poison.
Subconsciously, I have always been aware that any personal writing I do is a cleansing process. It just never fully occurred to me that something needs to change when writing about things I want to keep in my life. Specifically, relationships I want to stay in my life. So for now, no more writing about my personal life. I need to find the key to writing about feelings I want to keep, rather than banish.
If you notice, my primary reason for writing is to banish my current thought processes. Lay them to rest. When I did all of my writing with paper and ink, I burned most things I wrote. This is a very cleansing process. Freeing my mind of clutter, and my heart of poison.
Subconsciously, I have always been aware that any personal writing I do is a cleansing process. It just never fully occurred to me that something needs to change when writing about things I want to keep in my life. Specifically, relationships I want to stay in my life. So for now, no more writing about my personal life. I need to find the key to writing about feelings I want to keep, rather than banish.
Impressive!
Wow, thanks guys! 1025 page views! I don't know who is reading because you all are so quiet, but I appreciate you stopping by!
XOXO,
Lexi Adams
XOXO,
Lexi Adams
Sunday, August 18, 2013
I Know My Heart
There are times in life that you meet someone who should technically be right for you, but your heart doesn't feel the passion it needs to fall in love. If I feel like a connection is unequally felt on my side or the other side, I won't pursue a relationship. It just isn't fair in anyway. I have been the one to have deeper feelings, and I have other times been the one who just wasn't in it wholeheartedly. As soon as I realize it, I try to work on it first, then I call it quits. You can't make your heart bleed if it doesn't want to.
When I love someone, I will do anything in my power to be with them. I expect the same from them, in return. If I start noticing that I don't feel the way I should about someone in view of where the relationship is moving (whether it be forward or backward), I say something. Typically, there is some defensive feedback, but I feel it is better to be honest and look at things realistically. There isn't always a way to fix a relationship, even if you want to. You can't change how you feel just because you don't want to hurt someone you care for. If your feelings don't match theirs, it is best to end it.
I want to find a love that is strong and mutual. My heart needs to burn for that person, and know that their heart burns for me, as well. Love is not complacent, and will not settle. It is made up of desire, passion, devotion, affection, and understanding. If any one of these components is missing, it isn't love you are feeling. There is a difference in longing for companionship, and longing for the one you love. Longing for companionship can make you think you love someone simply because you are no longer alone. Sooner or later it becomes apparent that it is not the person you long for, but the companionship. Longing for the one you love drives you absolutely insane until you are reunited with them. This is why long distance relationships never last long. You can either remedy the problem by moving to be together, or you can end the relationship.
They say love makes you blind. That can be true, but loneliness makes you even more blind. When your main goal in life is to find your soulmate, it can make your heart desperate. I have learned this lesson the hard way. I am not good at being alone, and I have made some questionable choices because of it.
I know my heart, and what it wants. I won't settle until I find it, and it feels like magic.
When I love someone, I will do anything in my power to be with them. I expect the same from them, in return. If I start noticing that I don't feel the way I should about someone in view of where the relationship is moving (whether it be forward or backward), I say something. Typically, there is some defensive feedback, but I feel it is better to be honest and look at things realistically. There isn't always a way to fix a relationship, even if you want to. You can't change how you feel just because you don't want to hurt someone you care for. If your feelings don't match theirs, it is best to end it.
I want to find a love that is strong and mutual. My heart needs to burn for that person, and know that their heart burns for me, as well. Love is not complacent, and will not settle. It is made up of desire, passion, devotion, affection, and understanding. If any one of these components is missing, it isn't love you are feeling. There is a difference in longing for companionship, and longing for the one you love. Longing for companionship can make you think you love someone simply because you are no longer alone. Sooner or later it becomes apparent that it is not the person you long for, but the companionship. Longing for the one you love drives you absolutely insane until you are reunited with them. This is why long distance relationships never last long. You can either remedy the problem by moving to be together, or you can end the relationship.
They say love makes you blind. That can be true, but loneliness makes you even more blind. When your main goal in life is to find your soulmate, it can make your heart desperate. I have learned this lesson the hard way. I am not good at being alone, and I have made some questionable choices because of it.
I know my heart, and what it wants. I won't settle until I find it, and it feels like magic.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Things Are Looking Up!!!
Guess what!?!?! I have a job! I start Monday, full time, as part of the QA team at a cabinetry place! I am beyond excited! A bit overwhelmed going directly into full time, but it's the perfect job for me, so I couldn't say no!
Monday, July 29, 2013
The Whirlwind We Call Life
So I haven't been in a writing mood lately. Life has been getting busier, which means more interactions with live human beings, and more ventures outside of the house. Not really my favorite thing, but I really want a job, so I have to deal with it. I was doing all too well dealing with my anxiety during the first half of therapy, and now I am paying for it. The stress has been slowly building to a steamy simmer and hit the boiling point this weekend. I've been putting on a smile and keeping a relatively composed appearance on the exterior, while inside there has been a lot of screaming, tears, and panic.
I may have failed to mention before that I am in therapy. Sorry about that. This is something I decided would be beneficial and necessary in the pursuit of finding a job, and hopefully, keeping it for a normal period of time. I'm not even sure what that means, but I do know that I have trouble holding down a job. Anxiety inevitably strikes, igniting stress and depression, and then I turn into a completely different person. One who would rather hide from everything and everyone and not deal with anything at all.
I have a fear of failure and rejection, so I quit jobs, rather than staying until things escalate and then I get fired. Now, I realize that functioning humans would figure out a way to address the issues and resolve them, thus staying employed at the job they enjoy overall. Unfortunately, I do not have the mental clarity to do that when I am feeling emotionally drained. My mind turns into a distorted mirror of everything and everyone in my life at that time. I will either over-think everything, or not think it through at all.
Okay, venting done. :) Thanks for reading.
I may have failed to mention before that I am in therapy. Sorry about that. This is something I decided would be beneficial and necessary in the pursuit of finding a job, and hopefully, keeping it for a normal period of time. I'm not even sure what that means, but I do know that I have trouble holding down a job. Anxiety inevitably strikes, igniting stress and depression, and then I turn into a completely different person. One who would rather hide from everything and everyone and not deal with anything at all.
I have a fear of failure and rejection, so I quit jobs, rather than staying until things escalate and then I get fired. Now, I realize that functioning humans would figure out a way to address the issues and resolve them, thus staying employed at the job they enjoy overall. Unfortunately, I do not have the mental clarity to do that when I am feeling emotionally drained. My mind turns into a distorted mirror of everything and everyone in my life at that time. I will either over-think everything, or not think it through at all.
Okay, venting done. :) Thanks for reading.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Epic 2nd Date
Those who know me, know that I have been on and off dating sites for three years now. Making it to a second date in the online dating world is the first level of acceptance. It means that the first date/meeting went well enough to confirm at least mild interest.
That being said, I have been talking to a guy who is my perfect match "on paper" (funny, because I miss using paper more, being a writer) and we have a feeling that we are meant for each other. On our first date/meeting, it was a beautiful, sunny day in the park. Literally. We spent the day in the park. The only trouble was that this beautiful day was setting off my allergies in the worst way. Not pretty. So the fact that this guy even wanted to see me again says a lot about his character.
I didn't even know if I wanted a second date. Not because I didn't like him. I just wasn't feeling it. The spark I was expecting wasn't there. I know what you are thinking: "Duh girl! Of course you weren't feeling it! Your allergies were killing you! That has nothing to do with Dream Guy!" You're right. It doesn't. I guess I'm just used to things not working out, so I automatically conclude that it's the beginning of the end when anything goes wrong.
In spite of an allergy-filled first date, Dream Guy is still interested in seeing me. Wow, okay! Something else I should mention, is that Dream Guy lives in Bend, OR. I live in Springfield, OR. He drove all that way to see me. I realize that for some people, that is a normal commute to work. Those people are crazy. We are not those people.
Now we start trying to figure out when we will see each other again. This is a little tricky, since I am living with family and looking for work still. I can't just invite him to my place for the weekend, so he either has to stay in a hotel, or find a campsite. Camping is cheaper, and it's that time of the year, so camping it is. Anyone who has ever talked to me or read one of my profiles most likely knows that camping is not my thing. I am a nerd in the form of the Gothic girl next door. O.C.D. and camping don't really mix well. Not to mention that I look and feel like a troll when I am camping. Yes, I have gone camping before. I just don't like it. My family is big on outdoorsy stuff, and the friends I had growing up loved camping too. I am the odd one. (You had to see that coming. I'm nerdy and Gothic.)
So, how did spending the weekend doing something I don't like turn out to be epic? It turns out the saying is true: "Doesn't matter what where we are, or what we are doing, as long as I'm with you." That is how you know you are spending time with the right person. Dream Guy found a great camping spot overlooking the lake. In the dark, no less. He set out the night before to find a spot for us before he came to get me. (I don't drive, by the way. Turns out anxiety attacks are hazardous while driving.)
Anyway, I can't believe I am saying this, but, if you really want to know if you have found the one, go camping with them. Seriously. Even if you hate camping, it's the quickest way to find out if you have good coping skills as a couple. There's the long drives to get anywhere, the problem solving, the lack of anything to do besides talk and try to find a place to hike, and if the two of you can wake up next to each other on a camping trip and smile, you've found a keeper. Trust me on this. I am not a morning person, but waking up next to Dream Guy, even though we were camping, made me happy. I didn't even have coffee. Campfire coffee isn't the same, so hot cocoa was as close as we got.
I must say that there are a few things I have always liked about camping. Hiking, fresh air, the view, and campfire food. Campfire food is delicious. It's like extreme grilling. Of course, since this is my Dream Guy we are talking about and I love to cook, he is great at cooking and knows how to work a campfire. I know! He was literally made-to-order, right!?! One dream guy with an extra side of perfection, just as ordered. To anyone who has ever said my standards where too high, or unrealistic: The joke's on you. I have always known what I wanted, and wasn't going to settle for less. I have tried, but every failed relationship only confirmed that I needed to keep searching for what I really want and need in a relationship. All of the waiting and searching has finally paid off.
This 2nd date was truly epic for the fact that I enjoyed being with Dream Guy while simultaneously not enjoying camping. I got to see how his mind works, how patient he is, how resourceful he is, and how cuddly and understanding he is. All in a few crazy camping nights. I wouldn't have learned the same things from spending the weekend in a hotel with him. That is what made it an epic 2nd date.
That being said, I have been talking to a guy who is my perfect match "on paper" (funny, because I miss using paper more, being a writer) and we have a feeling that we are meant for each other. On our first date/meeting, it was a beautiful, sunny day in the park. Literally. We spent the day in the park. The only trouble was that this beautiful day was setting off my allergies in the worst way. Not pretty. So the fact that this guy even wanted to see me again says a lot about his character.
I didn't even know if I wanted a second date. Not because I didn't like him. I just wasn't feeling it. The spark I was expecting wasn't there. I know what you are thinking: "Duh girl! Of course you weren't feeling it! Your allergies were killing you! That has nothing to do with Dream Guy!" You're right. It doesn't. I guess I'm just used to things not working out, so I automatically conclude that it's the beginning of the end when anything goes wrong.
In spite of an allergy-filled first date, Dream Guy is still interested in seeing me. Wow, okay! Something else I should mention, is that Dream Guy lives in Bend, OR. I live in Springfield, OR. He drove all that way to see me. I realize that for some people, that is a normal commute to work. Those people are crazy. We are not those people.
Now we start trying to figure out when we will see each other again. This is a little tricky, since I am living with family and looking for work still. I can't just invite him to my place for the weekend, so he either has to stay in a hotel, or find a campsite. Camping is cheaper, and it's that time of the year, so camping it is. Anyone who has ever talked to me or read one of my profiles most likely knows that camping is not my thing. I am a nerd in the form of the Gothic girl next door. O.C.D. and camping don't really mix well. Not to mention that I look and feel like a troll when I am camping. Yes, I have gone camping before. I just don't like it. My family is big on outdoorsy stuff, and the friends I had growing up loved camping too. I am the odd one. (You had to see that coming. I'm nerdy and Gothic.)
So, how did spending the weekend doing something I don't like turn out to be epic? It turns out the saying is true: "Doesn't matter what where we are, or what we are doing, as long as I'm with you." That is how you know you are spending time with the right person. Dream Guy found a great camping spot overlooking the lake. In the dark, no less. He set out the night before to find a spot for us before he came to get me. (I don't drive, by the way. Turns out anxiety attacks are hazardous while driving.)
Anyway, I can't believe I am saying this, but, if you really want to know if you have found the one, go camping with them. Seriously. Even if you hate camping, it's the quickest way to find out if you have good coping skills as a couple. There's the long drives to get anywhere, the problem solving, the lack of anything to do besides talk and try to find a place to hike, and if the two of you can wake up next to each other on a camping trip and smile, you've found a keeper. Trust me on this. I am not a morning person, but waking up next to Dream Guy, even though we were camping, made me happy. I didn't even have coffee. Campfire coffee isn't the same, so hot cocoa was as close as we got.
I must say that there are a few things I have always liked about camping. Hiking, fresh air, the view, and campfire food. Campfire food is delicious. It's like extreme grilling. Of course, since this is my Dream Guy we are talking about and I love to cook, he is great at cooking and knows how to work a campfire. I know! He was literally made-to-order, right!?! One dream guy with an extra side of perfection, just as ordered. To anyone who has ever said my standards where too high, or unrealistic: The joke's on you. I have always known what I wanted, and wasn't going to settle for less. I have tried, but every failed relationship only confirmed that I needed to keep searching for what I really want and need in a relationship. All of the waiting and searching has finally paid off.
This 2nd date was truly epic for the fact that I enjoyed being with Dream Guy while simultaneously not enjoying camping. I got to see how his mind works, how patient he is, how resourceful he is, and how cuddly and understanding he is. All in a few crazy camping nights. I wouldn't have learned the same things from spending the weekend in a hotel with him. That is what made it an epic 2nd date.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)