In Search of a Key

In my observation and experience, writers derive inspiration from someplace personal to them, and have their own unique reasons for writing. I have two different, and very basic reasons I decide to write something. The first is to banish all the hate that floods my mind and heart when something in life thrusts me into a dark place  The second is to document a good feeling before it vanishes.

If you notice, my primary reason for writing is to banish my current thought processes. Lay them to rest. When I did all of my writing with paper and ink, I burned most things I wrote. This is a very cleansing process. Freeing my mind of clutter, and my heart of poison.

Subconsciously, I have always been aware that any personal writing I do is a cleansing process. It just never fully occurred to me that something needs to change when writing about things I want to keep in my life. Specifically, relationships I want to stay in my life. So for now, no more writing about my personal life. I need to find the key to writing about feelings I want to keep, rather than banish.

Impressive!

Wow, thanks guys! 1025 page views! I don't know who is reading because you all are so quiet, but I appreciate you stopping by!

XOXO,
Lexi Adams

I Know My Heart

There are times in life that you meet someone who should technically be right for you, but your heart doesn't feel the passion it needs to fall in love. If I feel like a connection is unequally felt on my side or the other side, I won't pursue a relationship. It just isn't fair in anyway. I have been the one to have deeper feelings, and I have other times been the one who just wasn't in it wholeheartedly. As soon as I realize it, I try to work on it first, then I call it quits. You can't make your heart bleed if it doesn't want to.

When I love someone, I will do anything in my power to be with them. I expect the same from them, in return. If I start noticing that I don't feel the way I should about someone in view of where the relationship is moving (whether it be forward or backward), I say something. Typically, there is some defensive feedback, but I feel it is better to be honest and look at things realistically. There isn't always a way to fix a relationship, even if you want to. You can't change how you feel just because you don't want to hurt someone you care for. If your feelings don't match theirs, it is best to end it.

I want to find a love that is strong and mutual. My heart needs to burn for that person, and know that their heart burns for me, as well. Love is not complacent, and will not settle. It is made up of desire, passion, devotion, affection, and understanding. If any one of these components is missing, it isn't love you are feeling. There is a difference in longing for companionship, and longing for the one you love. Longing for companionship can make you think you love someone simply because you are no longer alone. Sooner or later it becomes apparent that it is not the person you long for, but the companionship. Longing for the one you love drives you absolutely insane until you are reunited with them. This is why long distance relationships never last long. You can either remedy the problem by moving to be together, or you can end the relationship.

They say love makes you blind. That can be true, but loneliness makes you even more blind. When your main goal in life is to find your soulmate, it can make your heart desperate. I have learned this lesson the hard way. I am not good at being alone, and I have made some questionable choices because of it.

I know my heart, and what it wants. I won't settle until I find it, and it feels like magic.

Things Are Looking Up!!!

Guess what!?!?! I have a job! I start Monday, full time, as part of the QA team at a cabinetry place! I am beyond excited! A bit overwhelmed going directly into full time, but it's the perfect job for me, so I couldn't say no!

The Whirlwind We Call Life

So I haven't been in a writing mood lately. Life has been getting busier, which means more interactions with live human beings, and more ventures outside of the house. Not really my favorite thing, but I really want a job, so I have to deal with it. I was doing all too well dealing with my anxiety during the first half of therapy, and now I am paying for it. The stress has been slowly building to a steamy simmer and hit the boiling point this weekend. I've been putting on a smile and keeping a relatively composed appearance on the exterior, while inside there has been a lot of screaming, tears, and panic.

I may have failed to mention before that I am in therapy. Sorry about that. This is something I decided would be beneficial and necessary in the pursuit of finding a job, and hopefully, keeping it for a normal period of time. I'm not even sure what that means, but I do know that I have trouble holding down a job. Anxiety inevitably strikes, igniting stress and depression, and then I turn into a completely different person. One who would rather hide from everything and everyone and not deal with anything at all.

I have a fear of failure and rejection, so I quit jobs, rather than staying until things escalate and then I get fired. Now, I realize that functioning humans would figure out a way to address the issues and resolve them, thus staying employed at the job they enjoy overall. Unfortunately, I do not have the mental clarity to do that when I am feeling emotionally drained. My mind turns into a distorted mirror of everything and everyone in my life at that time. I will either over-think everything, or not think it through at all.

Okay, venting done. :) Thanks for reading.

Epic 2nd Date

Those who know me, know that I have been on and off dating sites for three years now. Making it to a second date in the online dating world is the first level of acceptance. It means that the first date/meeting went well enough to confirm at least mild interest.

That being said, I have been talking to a guy who is my perfect match "on paper" (funny, because I miss using paper more, being a writer) and we have a feeling that we are meant for each other. On our first date/meeting, it was a beautiful, sunny day in the park. Literally. We spent the day in the park. The only trouble was that this beautiful day was setting off my allergies in the worst way. Not pretty. So the fact that this guy even wanted to see me again says a lot about his character.

I didn't even know if I  wanted a second date. Not because I didn't like him. I just wasn't feeling it. The spark I was expecting wasn't there. I know what you are thinking: "Duh girl! Of course you weren't feeling it! Your allergies were killing you! That has nothing to do with Dream Guy!" You're right. It doesn't. I guess I'm just used to things not working out, so I automatically conclude that it's the beginning of the end when anything goes wrong.

In spite of an allergy-filled first date, Dream Guy is still interested in seeing me. Wow, okay! Something else I should mention, is that Dream Guy lives in Bend, OR. I live in Springfield, OR. He drove all that way to see me. I realize that for some people, that is a normal commute to work. Those people are crazy. We are not those people.

Now we start trying to figure out when we will see each other again. This is a little tricky, since I am living with family and looking for work still. I can't just invite him to my place for the weekend, so he either has to stay in a hotel, or find a campsite.  Camping is cheaper, and it's that time of the year, so camping it is. Anyone who has ever talked to me or read one of my profiles most likely knows that camping is not my thing. I am a nerd in the form of the Gothic girl next door. O.C.D. and camping don't really mix well. Not to mention that I look and feel like a troll when I am camping. Yes, I have gone camping before. I just don't like it. My family is big on outdoorsy stuff, and the friends I had growing up loved camping too. I am the odd one. (You had  to see that  coming. I'm nerdy and  Gothic.)

So, how did spending the weekend doing something I don't like turn out to be epic? It turns out the saying is true: "Doesn't matter what where we are, or what we are doing, as long as I'm with you." That is how you know you are spending time with the right person. Dream Guy found a great camping spot overlooking the lake. In the dark, no less. He set out the night before to find a spot for us before he came to get me. (I don't drive, by the way. Turns out anxiety attacks are hazardous while driving.)

Anyway, I can't believe I am saying this, but, if you really want to know if you have found the one, go camping with them. Seriously. Even if you hate camping, it's the quickest way to find out if you have good coping skills as a couple. There's the long drives to get anywhere, the problem solving, the lack of anything to do besides talk and try to find a place to hike, and if the two of you can wake up next to each other on a camping trip and smile, you've found a keeper. Trust me on this. I am not a morning person, but waking up next to Dream Guy, even though we were camping, made me happy. I didn't even have coffee. Campfire coffee isn't the same, so hot cocoa was as close as we got.

I must say that there are a few things I have always liked about camping. Hiking, fresh air, the view, and campfire food. Campfire food is delicious. It's like extreme grilling. Of course, since this is my Dream Guy we are talking about and I love to cook, he is great at cooking and knows how to work a campfire. I know! He was literally made-to-order, right!?! One dream guy with an extra side of perfection, just as ordered. To anyone who has ever said my standards where too high, or unrealistic: The joke's on you. I have always known what I wanted, and wasn't going to settle for less. I have tried, but every failed relationship only confirmed that I needed to keep searching for what I really want and need in a relationship. All of the waiting and searching has finally paid off.

This 2nd date was truly epic for the fact that I enjoyed being with Dream Guy while simultaneously not enjoying camping. I got to see how his mind works, how patient he is, how resourceful he is, and how cuddly and understanding he is. All in a few crazy camping nights. I wouldn't have learned the same things from spending the weekend in a hotel with him. That is what made it an epic 2nd date.

Thinking Out Loud: What Has Parenting Come To?

I think they should do a comparison study of the thought processes, personal and intellectual growth, emotional well being, and overall quality of life of people who grew up with loving parents, some with different priorities than the others. Half of them raised on technology, and the other half raised on imagination. The techy group would represent today's kids who are practically born with an iPad in hand. The dreamer group would represent the time before when children didn't compete with adults for gaming time on facebook.

I think my generation was the last one who had the organic experience of learning to get along with your siblings through building lego cities, having to share the Tonka Trucks in the sandbox, playing tag with the neighbor kids, and cleaning up after our own toy messes. I can not pretend to understand why the majority of us decided that having to develop our imaginations as kids was such a bad thing, and that it would be better to let children run the house, and let technology shape our children.

I happen to be a rare deviant of my generation. I didn't sleep around in high school, wind up pregnant, and have a shot-gun wedding. In fact, I waited to give my virginity away until my early 20s, never had kids of my own, and have yet to find prince charming and get married. I like to learn from the mistakes of those around me. It saves me from staying in situations I am not happy with that have very little potential for changing.

I feel like parents these days are too worried about being their child's best friend or having their "me" time to be real parents. This results in the heathens we as a society have to deal with in real life. These kids are taking the bus by themselves at an early age, haven't been taught that "no" actually means "no", please and thank you are rare, and they rely on "their" cellphones before they can even interact with humans properly.

When and why did it become acceptable to let technology raise children? It's bad enough that so many people rely on nannies, babysitters, their parents, their siblings, or a daycare to raise their children! I realize that the economy is bad, but if you can't afford a family DON'T START A FAMILY! If you don't want kids, don't like them, or don't have the time for them, DON"T HAVE KIDS! If you can't write out a budget and stick too it, don't have your priorities straight, or still have the attitude, "I'm young and want to have fun", you have no business having children!

Your life can not revolve around your job, your hobbies, or your friends if you decide to bring children into this world. True, you need a job to pay the bills, and occasionally, you need some time to relax with other adults. Notice the key words: bills, and occasionally. Focus needs to be placed on things you actually need in day to day life. Healthy food, a safe home, nurturing home life, and structured play time balanced with age appropriate tasks around the home create the best environment for children to thrive.

Where does this strongly stated observation come from? It comes from 32 years of noticing the effects of different family upbringings on all of the children I have known. Starting with people I grew up with, kids I babysat, kids I watched all day while their parents were at work, kids I nannied, and kids I went to school with or encountered in daily life in the real world. I have seen what makes a well rounded kid, versus a spawn of Satan. I have also dated a few people with kids. I've taken mental note of why the behave better for some people and not others. Many times, they behave better for others than their parents. There are the occasional imps that are perfect for their parents, but think it's okay to be a hell raiser when their parents aren't looking.

It seems to me like there are a lot of very intelligent people from my generation, who decided to make really stupid choices in regards to raising children. They are brilliant at doing their jobs, but their children are last on the list of priorities. It is as if having children is cramping their lifestyle. Maybe you should have thought about that before deciding high school would be a great time to start having sex.

Marriage isn't a big deal either, apparently. If they don't like the first one, they can just get a divorce and try it again with someone else. Better yet, they cheat on their  families with a younger person. Notice two things about that sentence. 1) When you cheat on your wife or husband, it is not only them you are cheating on if you have children. You are cheating on your family. 2) It is clearly not just men cheating, and more and more women fall for younger men these days. I for one think this is due to the "men" of our generation failing to act like adults. It has left women little choice but to take notice of younger men who act with more maturity and purpose than men our own age or older.

Children see and feel everything their parents do and say. Even more importantly, they notice and are effected by the things they fail to do and say. Children especially notice their parents' interactions with each other, and with them. If you set your kids in front of a television, computer screen, or hand over your phone for them to play with all the time to get them out of your hair, they learn that they can't live with out these items. Life revolves around electronics. They also learn that if they cry or behave badly, they get a reward. They get to play with mommy's or daddy's phone, or they get to watch movies, or play video games.

Typically this also means that when their mommy or daddy are using some kind of electronic, they get to do whatever they want. It's as bad as the parents of the kids I went to school with who were drug addicts or drunks. As long as they got to do what they wanted, they didn't care what their kids were doing.

I know I am not alone in my viewpoint. I have had conversations with people about this very subject. Usually, they are the ones who bring it up. People on the bus of different ages, my mom, people I've talked to on dating sites, people I went on dates with, and people at the store or the mall. It doesn't take a genius to see the effects of different styles of parenting on children, and by extension, society.

Unlocking My Spirit

Freedom is knowing what you want from life, and not caring what others think as long as you don't hurt their feelings purposely. I am a very compassionate person, and this has been the imprisonment of my spirit since my life began. The metallic bars of my prison were the decisions I based on making others happy, whether it would make me happy or not. The concrete foundation of my prison was love. I feel too deeply for those I care about, without regard to my own needs a lot of times. Lately, I have been changing that imbalance.

Balance is the delicate thread of life. Having everything you want doesn't have anymore power to make you happy than having nothing at all. What makes you happy or unhappy is your mental image of yourself, and by extension, those around you. This is how it is possible for a very poor person to wear a smile and show politeness, while a very rich person can be very bitter, rude, and unfulfilled.

I have seen from my life how this applies to passionate people and free spirits. I have always been very passionate. Everything in my mind was black or white. Good or bad. Love or hate. This translates into my activities as well. I am either really great at something, or I can't do it at all. I realize I changed the tense of my words in the last two sentences. It bothers me, too, but it's true. I am in the middle of a transformation, so naturally, somethings are now past, somethings are in progress, and somethings are still yet to be accomplished. Perhaps even more things are yet to be realized.

One thing I know for sure about life: you never stop learning unless you don't care and have your eyes, ears, and mind closed. Life is all about learning, exploring, experiencing, and solving puzzles. It is an endless adventure with hidden keys that unlock huge gates with mysterious pathways.

The key that I recently found, was perception. Learning to balance my thoughts. If I don't like how things look from one side, try looking at it from the other side. If the standard view doesn't seem right, flip it upside down. Challenge your thoughts if you don't like them. I have been going to therapy for about a month now, and this has been a great help so far. I deal with various forms of anxiety, and that triggers depression, which brings out obsessive compulsive behaviors. Excessive cleaning, organizing, and tidiness.

Sometimes we are too quick to put a negative connotation on situations that don't seem to be going the way that we want them to go. I may have just quoted my therapist :) . It's true, though. I've learned that taking time to weigh evidence for and against your negative thoughts can be very helpful in gaining a new perspective.

Unloved, Unfulfilled, Undead

I have spent my entire life trying to figure out how to fit in somewhere. Anywhere.

What it takes to be truly loved by someone. Anyone.
My "family" was the first place I learned that nothing I do is right, and trying to convey my feelings about anything is only going to backfire on me. I'm not allowed to have feelings without them getting thrown in my face and turned on me as a weapon. I can't say anything because anything I say, can and WILL be used against me at every remote chance at any given moment 'til the end of time.

There isn't a single person on the face of the planet that I can truly trust. I guess I was born solely for the sadistic amusement of everyone else. To walk through this life in this soulless body with only half a heart and no hope that things will ever get any better.

In case you are wondering: no, I don't have any faith. That was torn away from me when I realized that religious people are the worst hypocrites of all. They live to tear you down and scrutinize your every choice in life. Yet when you realize the things they do behind closed doors, or when no one is looking, they are worse than you and that is why they are so quick to call you out for any little thing.

So here's what I have to say to everybody who has ever been in my life so far: To hell with you! You don't make an effort to notice the good things about me! All you notice is the perceived flaws I have! The mistakes I make! I hate everyone! I hope your life becomes as miserable as you make me feel!

Talking = Negative

I am not a fan of talking. I try to create open communication in relationships, and it all comes to nothing. Or worse. We talk and suddenly the conversation brings up something negative and it's all down hill from there. I was talking with a family member, and the conversation itself actually went well, but some of the subject matter dug up a ton of negative energy from many aspects of my life. My thoughts and emotions are what follows:

I am tired of being the strong one. I need someone to be strong for me for once. I despise having to always be the reliable one. I resent having to be the one who knows what to do next or nothing will happen at all. I can't always be the one with a plan of action. I am sick of being expected to accept other people's faults and weaknesses, and always being told that I am the one who needs to change. I have to fix the problem. That is what made me decide a long time ago that the best way to fix a problem is to leave. If I am the fucking problem, I will just leave and there will be no problem. Lot of fucking good that does when the same people who make me feel useless and wretched are the ones who keep trying to resurface in my life. I regret being the one who is so willing to help others in anyway I can. Those same people always say that if I ever need them they will be there, but when it comes time to be there, they either aren't, or they make it known it is at great inconvenience and begrudgingly that they do it. I am sick of being invisible unless someone needs something from me. Even when I am asked my opinion or advice, most people don't even listen. Then someone else will say the same thing I just said and they get the credit. What the hell did I do to deserve being treated this way all through life? It's no wonder that I have always felt like the world would be better off without me!

It doesn't matter. It will never change. Thanks for reading my troublesome thoughts. Goodnight.

Realitization

Sometimes when you're in pain, it's easy to lie to yourself, without even realizing it. Which makes it nothing to lie to the person you love, when you think they don't share the same depth of feeling that you have. Those lies are what convince you that you may have never been in love, in an attempt at protecting your heart from the death that heartbreak can bring.

Revenge

Note: This is unfinished. I will post the rest when I write it.


She was a broken down fallen angel
Holding just a glimmer of light
Her gentle eyes were stained with permanent tears
And her hopes were quickly fading into sorrow

All the pain building up like a storm in the sky
All the rain comes pouring down like tears on this terrible night

Her heart is broken
Her wounds are open
Nothing in this world is gonna save your life now
Her faith is shaken
Her soul was taken
With nothing left to lose
She will take her revenge out

The lightning flashes down
Piercing the sand
The storm that's raging in her heart
Just getting started
The thunder rumbling out of control
You pray that god forgives your sins
Cause you know she won't anymore

Over It

There comes a point when all creativity is lost. I have felt the same feelings (or lack there of) for so long, that it really does no good to try and express them. At the end of the day, pain is normal. A numb heart is all I've known. A vague resemblance to a living girl is all I have ever been. I can't pretend anymore. I can't masquerade as a living being any longer. I am empty and lifeless. Incapable of maintaining any kind of human connections. I wish people would stop trying to "fix" me. It isn't possible. If it was, I wouldn't be this way. Just let me exist, and stop trying to lift my hopes only to throw me down again. I'm not a fucking doll.

Confessions of a Gothic Heart

I awoke this morning with a country song stuck in my head: The Heart Won't Lie by Reba McEntire. (Don't ask how a Goth girl knows that.) I can not pretend I don't know why. There has also been someone on my mind. An ex who is still a friend. We have this habit of giving each other advice, which started before we dated. It's nice to have a sounding board and comforting shoulder. Just thinking out loud . . . . .

Update:

Sorry I haven't been writing lately. There isn't really anything gripping enough to write about. My life is at a standstill, it seems. It has been suspended in midair, waiting for some details to fall into place so it can move some place again. I hope everyone has something nice planned for Valentine's Day tomorrow.

XOXO,

Lexi

Thinking Out Loud

Do you ever feel like you are never going to find what you are looking for? Like you are destined to die alone and unfulfilled? Do you ever feel like you are the only one in the world that has old fashioned values? The only one to notice that common sense is an endangered quality, and marriage is the new dating? Or worse, marriage doesn't hold any value at all. Some view it as simply an unnecessary formality and a piece of paper. I may be cursed and damned, but at least I still have some semblance of values and tradition. Finding a decent partner with such is next to impossible. I find that people who have good qualities about them, aren't ready to settle down, and may not share the same long term goals. Those who share the same goals and want to settle down, lack the qualities that would make them desirable. Just something that has been on my mind.

Random Happy Thought

I love the curious wonder of being on the verge of feeling more than friendship with someone. I can't say too much, so as not to jinx it, but I will say that I think I've made a friend who may be a good match as well. I've finally grown to hate the feeling of falling for someone too quickly. The feeling ends just as suddenly as it began. It is nice to be in a situation that is low-key and moving slow, but not too slow. It's like driving a stick-shift car, and it feels like it's almost time to switch gears and drive just a little faster.

Eyes and Lenses

Eyes can see many things
Many details within the world around us
The mind's eye can see memories, clues
Things the eyes may not have noticed
The heart sees through glasses
With either rose-colored, or dark and foggy lenses
Now it may sound as though the heart has the most tainted way of seeing
However, that is not always true
You see, the rose colored lenses magnify the good in those we care about
Good, which others may not readily see
The dark and foggy lenses, magnify the bitter truth
The things in life that most would rather forget
The side of people that no one wants to see
Our sight works best when these four eyes and two lenses are used together
Forming a complete picture of the entire situation with all the facts
Allowing you to weigh good and evil
To see which one out weighs the other

A Little Simple Single Something

Something small to you can have a huge impact on someone else
Something random can effect the rest of your life

A single word has the power to light a spark of hope
A single look has the power to melt away a bit of pain
A simple touch can mean the world
To someone who needs to know you care
A simple smile can chase the fog away
A little kindness can go a long way
A little forgiveness can change everything

Losing . . . New Year's . . . . . Mornings

I find myself losing my sense of loyalty. If someone isn't showing that I am as important to them, as they are to me, I simply stop caring. If they don't find it important enough to tell me plans have changed, or even for sure if there are plans or not, why should I find it important to tell them, "This isn't working for me." ? They will figure it out on their own eventually, right? That's what they seem to expect of me, so why not?

I hardly ever see this person anyway. They are always gone doing something. We've know each other for a few months now and can still count the number of times we've seen each other on one hand. The first 3 times were right in a row and that was when we first met and were just friends. The third day it turned into a little more. The 1 time after that, it turned into friends with benefits and we had tentative New Year's Eve plans. Plans which were never confirmed nor denied, so I made other tentative plans. This person did call on New Years Eve, but I was in the shower and they didn't leave a voice mail. I returned the call anyway. No answer. About an hour later, I sent a text trying to find out what the call was about. I believe it was an hour after that when they texted back. No mention of the tentative plans. They just wanted to know what I was doing.

Unfortunately, the other tentative plans didn't happen either. I wasn't feeling well by then, so I was okay watching Enchanted at home. I had already started deciding the friend with benefits wasn't going to work much longer. We were supposed to see each other soon after the last time we saw each other, but some family stuff came up. (Grandparents/Parents kind of stuff. I'm not "the other woman", sheesh!) I might have never known, had I not texted him to find out if we were still going see each other.

I don't want to be someone's afterthought. Just something fun to think about when they aren't busy living life. I want someone who wants me to be part of their life. From the first cup of coffee in the morning, to the last kiss just before we fall asleep in each other's arms at night. Not that I want to spend every single moment of everyday together. Aside from work hours, it's good to have some time with friends or to one's self sometimes. I just want someone I am happy to wake up with in the morning. Someone who is equally happy to wake up with me.

Randomly Me

A mystery with clues that no one gets
A puzzle with jagged pieces that don't seem to fit
My brain is outside the box, yet my heart stays in it
Unable to face the world without falling apart
Incapable of a full range of emotions
An icy heart may burn with passion
But what's left is a puddle of water
Worse yet, is when a passionate heart freezes
It shatters into millions of tiny pieces
Becoming a question with too many answers
Why are people so complicated and unfathomable?
How are the things that seem so simple in my head
So completely unattainable and twisted instead?
I feel like I speak plain English
Yet from the confused reactions I get
You would think I speak in algebraic expressions
Am I some sort of alien in human female form?

New Year

As a new year begins, new hope is born
Hope of resembling a little closer, the person you strive to become
Hope of discovering the person you are meant to be with
Hope of fixing the things you dislike in your life
While holding close the things you treasure most
Happy New Year everyone!
May your hopes become your reality in this new year!