Talking = Negative

I am not a fan of talking. I try to create open communication in relationships, and it all comes to nothing. Or worse. We talk and suddenly the conversation brings up something negative and it's all down hill from there. I was talking with a family member, and the conversation itself actually went well, but some of the subject matter dug up a ton of negative energy from many aspects of my life. My thoughts and emotions are what follows:

I am tired of being the strong one. I need someone to be strong for me for once. I despise having to always be the reliable one. I resent having to be the one who knows what to do next or nothing will happen at all. I can't always be the one with a plan of action. I am sick of being expected to accept other people's faults and weaknesses, and always being told that I am the one who needs to change. I have to fix the problem. That is what made me decide a long time ago that the best way to fix a problem is to leave. If I am the fucking problem, I will just leave and there will be no problem. Lot of fucking good that does when the same people who make me feel useless and wretched are the ones who keep trying to resurface in my life. I regret being the one who is so willing to help others in anyway I can. Those same people always say that if I ever need them they will be there, but when it comes time to be there, they either aren't, or they make it known it is at great inconvenience and begrudgingly that they do it. I am sick of being invisible unless someone needs something from me. Even when I am asked my opinion or advice, most people don't even listen. Then someone else will say the same thing I just said and they get the credit. What the hell did I do to deserve being treated this way all through life? It's no wonder that I have always felt like the world would be better off without me!

It doesn't matter. It will never change. Thanks for reading my troublesome thoughts. Goodnight.

Realitization

Sometimes when you're in pain, it's easy to lie to yourself, without even realizing it. Which makes it nothing to lie to the person you love, when you think they don't share the same depth of feeling that you have. Those lies are what convince you that you may have never been in love, in an attempt at protecting your heart from the death that heartbreak can bring.